FINDING SELF: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

There used to be a time when people faced a mid-life crisis when they were nearing 40 and asked the big questions: what I am doing, what have I done, and where am I going. For some, it may take months, while for others, it may take years to figure it out. Some even went into seclusion, travelled to India, etc., in the hopes of healing and finding themselves. Going in solitude has its own benefit – you can think clearly without the distraction of your current life. But stay too long, and you lose touch with reality only to face another shock when you return back to everyday life.

However effective as it may be, everyone can't do that. Today, it's not just the 40 something's who are asking this question, but younger people in their 20's & 30's as well. They are looking deeper within to figure out what kind of life do I want to create for myself. In this case, what can I do without packing a backpack and going off in seclusion?

My advice, study what values mean and why it is essential to understand your values to determine who you are. An in-depth values exercise will give you insights into who you are, why you enjoy being around certain people, and what steps you need to put in place so that you create a life that has meaning and purpose.

Understanding your own values is important, but also of those who are close to us. So much will become clear when we know if our priorities are aligned. Your communication will become better, easier. The choices that you make and the depth of your understanding will be remarkably different. If you pay close attention, you will see some consistency in how people respond. You can start picking up cues on what is important to them, such as attention, money, kindness, integrity. Do they stand for what they believe in or stay silent? In this case which is the more important value? Their belief, e.g. racism, is unacceptable or preserving self-image or even (keeping) peace. This will show up over and over again in different scenarios.

Let's take a look at choosing a partner. It usually starts with dating and getting to know each other. Then you step into a relationship that becomes more meaningful and has a substantial impact on your life. But what if something happens that makes you think I don't know this person at all. It leaves you feeling confused, betrayed, angry. And you wonder why you didn't see this before. Now it's entirely possible this hasn't happened to you. But perhaps you know someone to whom it has. Can you relate or empathise with what you just read? What really happened is this person has exhibited what is important to him/her in this situation a lot stronger than other times. Previously, it was easier to ignore because they were insignificant things that didn't directly affect you, or you chose to ignore them. Ever said I just can't ignore this anymore? Without realising, you may have been compromising your value which was the complete opposite of that person. And because you valued perhaps peace, silence, family more than the value which was being compromised, it was easier to let go and not focus on it. But now, given it showed up in a big way in a situation that was important to you and had a significant impact on your life, the tolerance of this disconnect between values was running low.

This is why determining your values and consciously living in line with them is critical. It helps you be happy, content with your decisions, find what really matters, and pursue your purpose. As determined, values are a compass of life. They help us make decisions that are in line with what makes us happy. And isn't being happy what everyone really seeks?

Values are critical when determining big decisions like choosing a job or staying in a relationship. But how about something which you do every day, even right now, like deciding how you will spend your time? What does Aliya value when choosing to read a non-fictional book vs Rehan, who chooses to watch a movie on TV most of their free time? What comes to mind is learning vs enjoyment. Not that either is not important to both of them, but they make an active choice based on what they value on how they will spend their time.

Let's talk about the uncomfortable topic: money. Some people won't admit that money is one of their top value. Suppose money is the top value. All decisions, who you hang out with, what clothes you buy, who you choose to ignore or the car you won't buy – they all stem from one thing: how much you value money and what it will help portray about you.

But what does money bring? For me, it's freedom. Freedom to hire a cleaning person, freedom to go anywhere I want through a car I own, freedom to not worry about my kids being in student debt. That's it. So do I value money or freedom? If push came to shove, which one would I choose?

So, that brings me to the fact that Values determine the work we choose to do. If you are clear on your values, you will look for a job based on what is important to you; not just what you would like to pursue. For example, Andy wants to go into electrical engineering. There are many different companies that he can apply to, and it comes down to 2 different ones who have offered him a role. However, the environment in both organisations varies quite a bit. The first company is very corporate with old school expectations of being in the office, respecting hierarchy, clear path to growth based on performance and consistency, year on year an expected raise – you get the picture. The other company is open, driven, inclusive and has little tolerance for red tape and traditional hierarchies. They welcome ideas from anywhere and give equal opportunities regardless of where it comes from. Suppose safety and stability are more important to Andy than creativity and growth, and he is aware of this. In that case, the decision will be far easier. Let's make it complex and throw in money in the mix. The first traditional company offers him a 20% lower salary than the hip start-up. Suppose he is not aware of what he values the most and goes after who offers him a bigger pay check. What do you think will happen to him in 6 months when we can't 'fit in' the company culture? To keep the job, will he change himself by bringing a personality to work that is not his? In my opinion, there are pros and cons of both the organisations – but it is essential to determine where Andy would belong and not just try to fit in. Where will he thrive rather than do his job and look forward to Friday 5 p.m?

Every moment is a choice, consciously or unconsciously. You choose based on what you value. Your entire life is a build of blocks.

My top value was hard work in the early days of my career up until a few years ago. Because I valued hard work, I didn't mind working 10-12 hours a day, every day. Because I am so clear on what I valued back then, I have zero regrets when I look back. Why? Because I chose to do that. My job was hectic, much like others. Some chose to do what I did, some didn't. We both progressed, albeit at a different pace. Growth was important then; it is just as important now. But, instead of hard work, I value smart work more. Not that hard work is not important, or I don't value it; I just don't value it as much as smart work. Smart work to me means how I channel my energy towards doing the most important thing that will benefit me. It's not about being superwoman or trying to do the most in the most effective manner, but how can I be more efficient in getting the results I need. And based on that, I choose every activity I decide to do to grow my business based on my value of smart work.

Let's talk about aspirational values. Let me give you an example. I value humour in people—a lot. I enjoy being around them; I tend to gravitate towards them; they are my happy people. Humour doesn't come to me easy. Hence, because I aspire to have it, I unconsciously go towards people that offer that. Do you have an aspirational value that you would like more of in your life? To know what you value and if something is missing which you yearn for, go do this exercise to become clear on your actual values vs aspirational ones.

So why is it so important to have this distinction between your most important values today vs the ones you aspire to have? Well, first of all, what we say and do should be in sync. If what you say vs what you do is not in sync, it affects your credibility. You can continue to say you value x until you are blue in the face, but if not in sync, it won't reflect in your life, and it will be evident to the people around you. So why does this happen? It's the age-old desire between what we have vs what we wish we had. Wish we had vs what we have. Sometimes we lie to ourselves because the truth is scary – we don't like our own values. We lie for our values because we don't want to not like part of ourselves.

Have you ever felt restless? You can't put a finger why but it's there. You're not sure if it is your job, life, finances etc., but you feel restless. I invite you to do this exercise which I've put together. This simple but powerful exercise will allow you to understand and see if something is out of sync. It will give visibility into what is important to you, its impact on your life and if a gap needs to be addressed. I would encourage you to do this exercise at turning points in your life. They will provide the clarity that you are seeking. Your values may change, and that's ok. Experiences in life continue to shape us. What was important before may not be as important anymore, and that is ok. But it is vital to know consciously, so you don't hold yourself accountable for something that no longer serves you.

I would love to know what came up for you while reading this blog. Get in touch and let me know!

Categories: : Values, Purpose, Meaningful Life